For Katy's Album

This is the first layout I have done for Katy's album.

This is the only picture I have of me pregnant, and it was taken just 48 hours before we lost Katy. Thanks Mel, for taking pictures at Chug - I did your belly pictures for Desmond, and now you have done mine with Katy ;).

The layout is also my first hybrid. Kind of hard to get used to after all paper and all digi layouts. It almost seems like they don't work together until you get enough embellishments, but I am glad I decided on hybrid for this album. I really did not want to have to order my prints and this way I can print at home and have the page right away. I would take any hybrid pointers you have, Kate...I know you have done the classes at JS site, I don't have the go to to do classes right now.

I got the title from the Stepping Stones Blog. The mom on there had used it in some of her artwork after loosing her child. I hope she doesn't mind that I used it here.

I think you can read the journaling if you click on the picture to make it bigger (and yes I have already fixed the two typos).

All digi is from scrapbookgraphics.com and all paper and traditional products are from CTMH.

WARNING This is a Rant

I had a public melt down today. Up to this point all of the hard things to face have been at home and with family and friends, where it is safe to cry and they all know why and understand. And I have left my house in the past two weeks, but with a lot of pep talking myself before I see the world...knowing I will inevitably see babies and bellies. Today I thought I wouldn't need the pep talk.

I had a really good day with my husband....just the two of us, we went up the mountain and just spent time together and had fun....we were going to stay the night up there, but Cody had a hard time when we left him at my sister's this morning, so we came back tonight instead.

Fast-forward to dinner at farmers at 9:00 at night. Doing great except for two babies that just happen to be right by us...but hey, I have been mostly fair in that department...not begrudging others their children. Really I have been OKAY with babies overall....but then I go into to the bathroom at the restaurant and what happens- a lady with a newborn walks in. He cries, I let down annoying but what can I do, my milk STILL hasn't dried up...not too bad until I try to leave the restroom. I have to walk around this baby and his overly bubbly mom to get out of the stall and to the sink and then back around the baby again to get out into the hall. And the mom tells me (since this bathroom is incredibly small and you just about bump the poor baby when you move) that the changing table is in the wrong spot and she gives me a little smile.

I lost it, really I started bawling right there and all I could think was she was completely right...that changing table was in the worst possible spot ever! Except more than anything I am mad at myself for getting upset....it is unfair of me to think that way. And the poor mom, who is probably as hormonal as I am, is wondering what she would have done wrong. I know that I have been forewarned about this, but I thought since there are so many babies in my life maybe I would do better.

My husband was okay at first when I got back to the table, but then he wondered why I was upset and asked me if it had "ruined my whole evening" (which is exactly the same question and tone of voice he has used every time over the last 6 years when he thought I was being ridiculous). I know he thinks I should be moving on, and I AM TRYING. I can't even really explain it, except that I had just about made it through a day of only ADULTS and it was soooo nice to not have constant reminders and then wham 3 babies in 20 min and at 9:00 at night too... why weren't they home in bed? Why not just one day without pregnant bellies and babies?

Do I know that I shouldn't be jealous, YES....do I know that I was unfair, YES....do I wish I could be a better person right now, YES....but I miss her.... I don't know what to expect out of ME anymore, except a lot of tears. I just want to avoid the public tears.

Today was "Viability"

Today marks what would have been 24 weeks for Katy. Marks the day that would have meant she had a 50-70% survival rate and ANY state would have recognized her as an infant, not just a fetus. Today we also saw a lot of people we haven't seen for a month. The last time we all got together, I was still pregnant. I had asked a friend of mine to tell who she could before this day so that I wouldn't be overwhelmed with looks of confusion and surprise and questions. Out of sixty people in the room, most had heard and Curt and I each only had one person ask if we had had our baby or how the baby was "cooking"....I am thankful to my friend who was willing to share to make this day a little easier for me. It really wasn't her job to tell my tragedy but she did it willingly.

I thought I wouldn't do well today and that people would just avoid talking to me, but I am surprised at how willing some were to let me talk, or just be quiet or just smile without having the look of pity....I am glad that my loss isn't a taboo subject to be locked in a closet and hid. It helps to have acceptance and not just be one of THOSE moms. I did cry more today, but overall I would say this day was way better than anticipated.

Stages of Grief

I read on a blog from another mom like me, that there is an extra stage of grief not on the usual list. The REPEAT stage. I feel like I am in my first repeat. I have been through it all, the shock and denial and being numb, the pain and guilt, the anger and bargaining, the depression and loneliness, and even some acceptance. I feel like now though I am in the numb stage again and I don't really want to be there. I want to feel for Katy, I want to cry and remember and hurt for Katy. It doesn't seem right after only two weeks to be numb to that. She was my child!

My husband has been amazing. He lets me talk and he talks about her too. He even uses her name with others, I love that. He says he knows for me loosing Katy is as bad as loosing an older child, I am glad he understands my grief. I owe lots of people thank you notes, but most of all I owe this man one, he has been so strong.

I have a 12 week baby girl coming to my house today, and I am nervous. Nervous that I won't be able to see her or hold her. I know that I won't be able to hear her nurse (I still have milk and noises don't help). I hope I can do this. I have to learn to do this, too many people I know and love are having babies. I have done alright with Desmond (he was born the same day as the girl) but he is a boy and he is big.....different I guess than seeing girls. And I can handle my sisters girls, but they are all 9 mos and older......I just have a hard time with newborn.....

I never told anyone before I lost Katy that in my dreams I would only have my boys, and I would wake up wondering why she wasn't in them, and I blew it off and thought it's just because I can't picture a girl. Maybe those dreams were some preparation for me. But last night I dreamed of a baby girl. A dark headed one like my husband thought Katy would be. I was needing to get a diaper on her, and didn't have one......I didn't sleep good, why would I dream of a girl now?

Working on some more of Katy's pictures, maybe I will have them up later in the kodak gallery. Her scrapbook stuff came yesterday, I thought I was ready, but now it just seems like I delay getting started. Maybe I just feel like I can't do it justice, and I don't want it sounding depressed, I want her book to be a celebration of the 5 months I did carry her and have her.

Maybe I am in a little bit of the sad/depressed stage too, not just numb.....

A Birthday Present

So I have been crocheting the past two weeks. It is good for me to just sit and zone, or to have a sense of accomplishment after I finish a project (especially since I can't clean my house or lift anything, and I have just now been allowed to drive again--all thanks to the c section). I had been saving some patterns that I was going to make for Katy and others for me, but I decided to put those away for now and do something different. I found this thing called AMIGURUMI and I love it! So easy to do and fast and fun and it is the same stitch over and over so you don't have to think very much (helpful right now LOL)

Anyway I made this doll for Kristine Cronk's b-day. I am mostly happy with how she turned out except for my embroidery on her face (need some more practice in that department) and I think I over stuffed her a little bit. Kyler keeps asking what her name is, but we will have to wait until I can get her mailed up to Kristine and let her decide.

Also, I need a couple of addresses, could Kate and Jeanette please email me their addresses? jenjordan01@gmail.com

Doing, well, just doing....

Somedays, okay, others not so much. I miss my baby girl, and I go through a thousand what ifs, and as it gets closer to "viability" I count in my head Katy's survival rate... I hate that the day she was born she had a 10% survival rate, the day I left the hospital a 25% survival rate, my birthday, how I wish she could have made it to my birthday, she would have had a 37% survival rate, and now it is nearly 50%. I wonder if I made the right choices in the hospital. All that I chose was to try and give her those days. Instead I lost her 15 1/2 hrs after we went to the hospital. I know the exact moment she died, and I know it is because my body failed and I hate that I couldn't see her after I delivered her, I hate c sections, and I was totally out with mine--I blacked out even before they put me under, I had lost too much blood, it was more than an hour after she was born before I got to see her, and even then my eyes wouldn't focus from being put under.

I have been reading other blogs and websites of moms like me, and it helps. One thing I have noticed is we all need to talk about our babies. How real they are, how real the loss. We didn't get the full life most moms get with their babies, but we got beautiful moments, moments too precious to be overlooked or forgotten. Moments that deserve reverence and tenderness, and acknowledgement. Thanks to all of you who have already acknowledged mine.

I am going to use my blog for some of my "talking" so if the subject is too hard for you, don't read the posts tagged Katy and Pregnancy/Infant Loss. I can tell you now, some posts will be rants and others will be sad, and maybe someday, some will be bittersweet. I like to blog more than journal, and I need to blog as I start Katy's scrapbook (you can view the pictures I am going to use in her scrapbook here. I will be adding more as I get them edited -Sorry some are duplicates in black and white- I don't know yet if I will share her actual scrapbook and all of the journaling, maybe just bits and pieces). I hope other moms can find some hope in my posts too, like I have found in many others. Sorry for you moms who are finding my blog this way....I wish it could have been, well, anything else that would have bonded us.

I have forgotten already what I was going to write in this post....other words just poured out of me, but that's okay. I needed this.

Katy Ameris, June 23rd 2009

This is the hardest post of my life.

I had an emergency c-section on June 23rd. We lost our baby Katy. I know that the placenta was not doing well (we did not find this out until just before she was delivered). Other than that, the pregnancy was perfect and she was perfect. I heard her heart beat just minutes before they delivered her. We will not know what went wrong for sometime and even then they might not be able to tell us.

I know a lot of you will check this blog before you see me, and that will make it easier than seeing people and having them wonder why I don't have a baby, I hope most will find out before they see me again. I am open to talking, but some days are hard. Today is worse than yesterday. I held my baby girl and I have pictures of her. We will have her cremated tomorrow.

Wanted to let you know....this is the easiest way for me.

Our Hail Storm

We have had tornado warnings everyday for a while now. So far the tornadoes have stayed away from our house and the worst we have gotten is rain and hail. My garden survived the hail from the past two days, but there was no surviving today! We were at my sisters when the warning was in effect, so we didn't get to see this coming down. Maybe that is a good thing, because Cody is not handling tornado season well. He remembers what last year was like for Windsor. I am sure this hail would have made it sound like our roof was caving in!

Last night, during the warning, Cody took everything from his bedroom and piled it into the bathroom because he didn't want the tornado to get it. My younger son, on the other hand, only tried to save 2 giraffes! I tried to explain that we only put our emergency items in the bathroom but Cody was worried about his books and cars, LOL. Today, at Kim's house, Cody heard the tornado warning and went straight to the bathroom. Kim had a time trying to explain that she has a basement and so the bathroom wasn't necessary....poor kid, hope the tornadoes go away soon!

Here is Kyler enjoying the PILES of hail we got. These pictures were taken at least an HOUR after the hail came down, so a lot of it had already melted off. Ky filled the pitcher and then proceeded to fill the 5 gal bucket. When he was finished I came out to see him buck naked trying to climb into the bucket! I did take a picture of that too, but I will only grace you with the one I took after I convienced him to put his underware back on!

Cody was having a blast on the trampoline and wanted Ky to come and join in. He did, but only for a minute. He didn't like slipping and falling into the pile of hail. He took his bucket and shovel and went back to the other side of the house.



On the way home from Kim's, Curt called and tried to explain just how much hail we had. It was hard for me to believe, because there was none inside of Greeley (they did get just a little bit, but it melted right away). I was just about a 1/2 mile from our house and sure enough, the ground turned white and Cody piped up "look at the snow!" I tried to explain what it really was, but I don't think he got it until he could hold it in his hands.

Right away Cody wanted to slip and slide in the hail. You can see the lake in our field in the picture behind him. The lake at the end of the road is twice as big and deep and the hole Curt uses for drainage from his shop yard was completely full (that hole is more than 7 foot wide and 7 foot deep)! Needless to say, Curt's yard is not draining well and his trucks will have a time in it.



This is what our house looked like when we got home. The gutter on the front part of the house is bowing out and coming off from the weight of the hail. Where it hasn't melted, it is still 3 inches deep! When you step on the grass it looks like you might be safe, but no, the water from the hail melting is so deep that is goes up over your feet! Much of my roof was green from the trees as well. Note the hail on the trampoline? I think it was sagging a foot in the middle.




These are the remains of my strawberries and garden. Henry's garden looks worse than mine. I think he lost most everything. I lost ALL of the strawberries on these plants. If you look closely in the picture (click on it to make it bigger) you can see some of the berries in the hail. I had 15 of these plants in this area and all had a ton of berries on them, just starting to get ripe, and now they are all GONE! My raspberries survived unhurt though!



I think this is the last video I will try to upload to blogger, it takes FOREVER! I am giving up on it, but wish you could see and HEAR the noise of the hail on the trampoline while Cody was jumping in it (sorry Nana, Cody especially wanted to show you the video, guess we will have to do it the next time we see you). He really had fun with our makeshift slip and slide though!

Cody Turns 5

Cody turned 5 today. Last week we took him to Chucky Cheese as his present from us (he had the choice between that and fishing). Today we had cake and ice cream with family, pretty short notice as we have been busy and convention is coming up too.....and I have to get ready for my card class tomorrow night, LOL, good thing I haven't started restrictions yet, or I would be lacking in the rest department.

Here are some of the pics of the fun (oh and we got a 4 wheeler this weekend too)

Two Layouts for Studio Hillary, Pics from Our Recent Trip

These layouts were perfect for some of the pictures we took a couple of weeks ago on a trip to Wy. I am going to do a 12x6 page inbetween these two with the family pictures and a couple others.

Layout templates are from Studio Hillary's new Photo Overload 4

The papers and embellis are from Tangie's County Fair and Alana's Forest Folk Kits, both at scrapbook graphics.com

The font is CTMH and is Fountain Pen and Lemonade Stand

Thanks for looking!

Had an Ultrasound today.....

and it's a GIRL! No question about it, yeah! Now we just have to make it to Oct 9th (37 weeks) so we can have this one at HOME with the midwife. So far so good. I do go on partial bed rest and travel restrictions starting in Aug but that is okay as long as we don't get another 35 week baby.

Mom's Day Cards

So I finally played with paper again, this is what I came up with. All product is CTMH. I used Key to My Heart paper and stamp on the red and blue one, and Daydream paper on the black one. I also used Dimensional Elements flowers, clear buttons and some connection club stuff. The letters were done with rubbons.

Thanks for looking.